Saturday, October 16, 2010

When You Suffer A SetBack, Don't Drawback...Cause Your Weight Can ALWAYS Comeback...

So here it's been a year a few months since I went I started with my weight loss doctors.  I hadn't been there since March of this year and I had unfortunately succeeded in putting back on every bit of the weight I'd lost. I was 308 lbs. when I started the journey.  When I walked into the doctor's office on Columbus Day Monday, I discovered my ass, thighs and stomach had grown as spacious as the skies of America herself.  I had to be honest with myself.  For the past couple of months, I could literally FEEL myself dying.  My energy had been depleted, my body had begun aching again and I had been spiraling into a depression.  I had to do something.  I was either going to get serious or I was gonna need to buy more life insurance.

So, I had to be honest about what foods I was putting into myself, because it was those little lies I kept telling myself that were killing me.  I started off the week well.  Dr. Title informed me that if I stuck to no carbs the first three days it would be like P90X for the inside of my body.  It would in essence confuse my metabolism.  So I took to it for 4 days.  Been drinking water.  Most importantly, I LOGGED THE TIMES I FELL SHORT. 

So here I was thinking, the problem isn't the weight, the weight is a manifestation of the the problem.  I had to kill the pride in me.  Be honest with where I was and how I got here.

The difference between my former weight loss attempt and today's is I am willing to look deeper.  I made my way to an SIA meeting. 

I know one may believe an Overeater's Anonymous meeting might be in order, but I am not an overeater.  What I am is a survivor of Incest and Sexual Abuse. 

It took a while to realize that there was a direct connect between my weight & my rapes.  I've spent years doing the following:

  • Hiding behind weight to be unattractive to potential perpatraitors.
  • Allowing the past behaviors of the ones who assaulted me to keep assaulting me by my own behavior.
  • Giving of myself too freely to those who did not deserve it.
  • Slowly killing myself before anyone else could.
I've decided to make the necessary changes to save the most important person in my



Good Night...