Sunday, January 26, 2014

It's Me...It's Me Oh Lord, Standing In the Need of Prayer...

Height: 5'6

Weight: 324 lbs.

Mood: Depressed

So, I purchased a Nutribullet.  Yes, I have a juicer, and I have that Montell Williams blender, but the annoyance of cleaning the juicer and the lack of portion control with the blender stopped me cold from using both of them.  I woke up this morning and walked into ground zero (my kitchen) and began cleaning.  I am big on family gatherings and in my family, family gatherings mean food.  I had fried chicken, baked macaroni and cheese (3 cheese), collard greens with smoked turkey, and a salad of field greens and cherry tomatoes.  My two sisters, my mom and 6 nieces and a common law boyfriend dropped in.  That count did not include my husband and son, so yeah, them too.  After playing the lead waitress, my body could not take it.  It took me half the week to recuperate and just like, clean the dishes!  The pots I did this morning after a long soak.  As I woke this morning, I realized that I had fallen into a funk that I condemned myself to, that I was doomed to stay in if I don't make changes.

I began to look at my weight this morning not in pounds, but in disappointments and false comfort.  Every friendship I lost, every job I walked away from, every false witness bore against me.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm no saint, but I realize my sin lies in making the wrong decisions.  My sins lie in opening myself up to people who have not earned the right to get to the heart of me.  As a result, more times than not, I am like the character above, eating away the pain I can't seem to get away from.  I never stand up for myself the way I should.  I allow people who don't think much of themselves to wipe their emotional feet on me as though I were a doormat and I continue to look for the best in them.  The light that might have gone out eons ago.  I learned to seek from searching for parental love.  How does a child with SO much love inside come from two people so guarded?  So I've been seeking the love I give out for years.  My experience has taught me to look in barren places.  No place was more sweet or giving than food.  How it would get down on the insides of me and warm up the places that were so cold that my very soul was chilled.  Food hid the victim, food stood with me, food excepted me.  It all made sense though, how could food not accept what it helped to create?

So here I am, one month and two days shy of my 40th birthday.  I do not want to live my life like this.  Like I'm 39, but feeling 69.  It's me oh Lord, standing in the need of prayer.  Help me to detox and then to live so you can use me.  It's time for me to break my "friendship" with food.  Help me to reprogram my mind God.

Today's Recipe

1/2 cup of spinach
1/2 cup of melon/cantaloupe/pineapple
4 cherry tomatoes
1 tablespoon of flax seed

placed these in the large cup of my Nutribullet and blended...not bad.


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