Friday, January 24, 2014


334lbs...steadily climbing to 400.  I am more afraid than I have ever been in my life.  Next month I turn 39, but I'm living as though I am 69.  Hospitals, ambulette services and the newest sitcom is the way I am spending my life...I've lost too many days.

As many of you know, I have had gastric bypass, but I didn't learn the things I needed to learn to keep the weight off.

So now my doctor is talking a revision surgery.  There is a huge part of me that wants this.  I just want the weight gone.  Yet, there is this other part of me saying, Renee, you've gotta learn the right way.  Is it crazy to say I just want someone to believe in me?

In comes Chris and Heidi.  Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition.  I'm looking at their passion for helping people reconfigure their minds and then their bodies, and I realize, I WANT THAT.  I NEED THAT.

I've spent the better part of my life helping others.  My phone rings all types of night with messages and calls for my spiritual counsel and it's the only thing keeping me alive.  I have gotten remarried since I last really blogged and it has not been easy.  Although we love one another, our illnesses have taken their toll on us.  My husband is a veteran of the Iraq and Afghanistan Wars and has PTSD dude to his service.  Then due to this weighty prison, I have suffered 3 miscarriages.  Three babies, gone.  Even at home, in what's supposed to be my safe space, my time is not my own.  I have become my husband's care giver.  There is also my 17 year-old son to think of, so between the two, there is not much time for myself.  In my sitcom watching, I get caught up in EWLME...looking at Chris' compassion for his clients...watching he how has been able to lift that mirror for them and show them they have everything they need WITHIN them.  I want to believe that I have something left for me.  I knew I needed that compassion that they offered.

So, I go online to apply.  Much to my chagrin, the casting was closed, and continued to be every single time I checked...and then it happened!   OPEN CASTING CALLS!!!!  YEAH BABY!!!  Then in creeps Doubt.  (I swear I can't stand her...she's loud and she's ghetto!)

"You ain't got no car!  How are you getting to Philadelphia to this casting call???"

Megabus, I say to her in my mind, determined to silence her know-it-all tone.

"But you ain't got no money!"  To which I reply smiling...

I got God and determination...sounds like stacks to me!  So I filled in the pre-application.  I filled out my story and I'm also going to go to Philly on 2/15...wish me luck?

Tonight's Meal

My husband cooked, so no recipe, but I ate his stewed steak, with chicken flavored pasta and potatoes

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